Struggling

Tonight I'm struggling. I'm not even really sure why...But I'm doing some cleaning and getting rid of a lot of things I was hanging on to, I hope it will help me. I'm throwing away a lot of things, I did at home in my closet, and I'm doing so here-with my cupboards and under my bed. I'm donating lots of clothes to Goodwill-as well as some books. I just feel like if I can let go of some "stuff" like clothes and books, I can maybe start to let go of some of my negative self-issues.

Even putting this online for anyone to see is difficult for me. But I need to get over my "fear" of not being good enough. I feel like I'm living in darkness cast by everyone else's shadow; with school, with my looks, with my weight, with my "social life", with my future...

I'm scared. I am scared to let myself want anything too badly, because I don't think I could survive such a letdown.

Shopping success!

I had a pretty good birthday. Nothing too special, but I went home for a few days. Mom and dad took me shopping and out to dinner.

Now I'm back in Eau Claire, I did some errands and cleaning today. My closet is now very clean and organized, as well as under my bed-that was actually the "big project" for the night. Although now I need to vacuum underneath-it's VERY dusty.

But now it's bedtime since I work a yucky 9-5:30 shift.

"Take 2"

So I'm attempting to stop drinking soda again! My weakness is Mt. Dew-which is one of the worst sodas to drink. So right now, I'm trying to wean myself of using Fresca-so there's no calories-but there's still the fizziness. But I bought some Pomegranate Green Tea-so I am going to drink that if I think I am getting a caffeine headache.

I think that's what my headache was caused by last night. But I had a little caffeine this morning at work, so I should be set today. That will also be good to ease myself down on that too. That one I don't need to completely give up (especially working at Starbucks-that would be VERY difficult-since we have to try all the new things).

And right now I'm going to go shower (before studying for my exam at 1:00 tomorrow) and try out my new Everstrong Sulfate-Free shampoo! I'll be back with an update later!

Ahh. It's been a good few days. I've really been feeling more at peace than I have in awhile. I got my letter from the university...good news! Step one is complete, now I just have to keep myself on track-and not be afraid to ask for help-because it's ok if I need help-it's ok if I can't do everything by myself.


My birthday is also coming up in just over a week! The scavenger hunt is next Saturday, and I don't work the day before or after my birthday-so it will be a nice relaxing couple of days. And mom might take me shopping, I am getting quite excited-since it's been awhile since I've been shopping. I've even been doing some "online pre-shopping" so I know some stores to look.

I work tonight, which is kind of sad, since I wanted to watch the Oscars. But oh well, I don't work tomorrow, just class from 3-4, and studying for my exam on Wednesday. I'll bring my notebook with to work so I can work on my Punnett squares...haha

So, that's about it for now.

Modest Fashion

Here are some cute things I've found by searching on Google images.

My modest life...

It's very difficult for me to feel that my modesty is actually doing any good. Since I live in a college town and that's who my friends are-I feel like when I am being modest, I am looked at as the "outcast". I know I should not be worried about such things, because I am doing the right thing in God's eyes. But I still have that nagging human/sinner voice that's telling me I need to be like everyone else.

Not drinking is going over very well though. People ask me about it, and I simply explain that I don't need it and all the reasons why I don't need it. It's actually quite easy to be around others that are drinking. Such as Wednesday night when I went out for trivia night at El Patio-I think everyone else was drinking-except me. It felt really good to finally have gotten the strength to resist to that extent. I didn't go out with people to the bars for a long time because I didn't know if I had the strength to resist when everyone else around me is drinking and I am afraid that they'll pressure me. But I do feel much more comfortable. I think it was good to try in a lower pressure setting like El Patio before actually attempting a Friday or Saturday night at a bar.

And I'm trying not to swear also. Just make my life and behavior more modest.

One thing that I think is funny when I wear one of my denim skirts out and about, people I know always think it's "funny" or interesting that I'm wearing a skirt. It's funny and interesting to me that people think that of a GIRL wearing a SKIRT...I feel as though that is part of the reason I'm doing this; to change the fact that it's "weird" for a girl to wear a skirt-since when did that go out the window?

these things, they make me happy

singing and dancing along with the radio while washing dishes
trying to be a photographer
growing my hair out
the smell of fresh ground coffee
getting postcards
crunchy autumn leaves
flowers growing through cracks in concrete
flannel sheets in winter
floating down the river during summer
camping
dreaming of my future husband and children
tucking my hair behind my ear
tousling the ends of my hair and feeling the soft waves
enjoying a spontaneous skip and twirl every once and a while
wearing ribbons in my hair
wearing headbands in my hair
having the door opened for me because I'm a lady
being able to write with lots of swirls if I want
my long hair being tossed around on a windy day
pleasantly surprising people when they see me in a long denim skirt
twirling in skirts
knowing my toenails are painted in fun colors under old sneakers


these are just a few for now...